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i wish you knew how i feel. - a comedown of revolving doors [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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i wish you knew how i feel. [Mar. 26th, 2015|07:41 pm]
i wonder what it's like for people who don't feel excruciating pain every single day. i wonder how it is for them. i wonder how it is for people who didn't know real pain until they were an adult. or in their teens. i wonder how many people in this country have ached and hurt and bled like me and been concious of this extreme amount of pain since they were children. i wonder how many people understand how i feel, exactly how i feel. i looked up effective suicide methods today. hanging, drowning, overdose. always comes back to the same ideas. same ideas never get you anywhere different. i need to have like an "accident" in the middle of nowhere. do something dangerous, get myself back into a dangerous situation. feel alive before i die. i actually miss that random man that asked me for sex along the canal. i wish i had the strength for a dangerous situation, but in all truth, i can hardly keep breathing. i think i'm depressed again. ohwells. anyway, on the site - they also try to dissuade you from killing yourself. it reminded me that there's no one else out there like me (therefore no one that will truly be able to understand - people have similar experiences and feelings/reactions, but never the same.) and it reminded me that i'd be irreplacable. but i know i won't be missed by anyone. i've disappeared from most people, and none of them have even tried to talk to me. so it's time to fucking die.