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things i'll never say. - a comedown of revolving doors [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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things i'll never say. [Jan. 24th, 2015|04:16 pm]
i'm sorry, i have to write this down and send it to someone, because i know i'm not crazy.
lately my mother's been totally fucked up. like, yesterday she was doing her usual comparisons; telling me how everyone else's kids have stable jobs and incomes and why can't i be like them? and then she wanted to fucking control me, she "expected" me to go and greet her acquaintance (who's even hardly an acquaintance, she only talks to her maybe three times a year) just so she could be shit to me around her and say i don't have a stable job etc. when i refused, she was a bitch towards me. later on, she asked me to put her mug of tea on the table for her when i was passing her, even though the table's only two feet away for her to get up and do it, and she's no invalid, and she has no other issues. and when i refused and said no, she was fucking fuming and saying shit things about me to my dad, even though i'd walked away, he called me (because he doesn't wanna hear her shit either), and instead of hearing anything he had to say about her lies, i just did what she wanted me to do. and she does that exact thing (whenever she wants something, she demands i do it there and then for her, even if she's perfectly capable of doing it herself) all the time with so many other things, and it's been that way my whole life. and yeah, part of npd is that she sees me as an extension of herself. but still, i keep firm boundaries and this shit still happens. i'm so tired of her manipulation.
anyway, today it escalated. i was trying to have a self-care morning. i was giving myself a pedicure, about to cut my nails and she barges into my room (she never respects that boundary) and then she starts going on at me saying i don't talk to her anymore, and that i need to talk to her (because "it's her house"?!!?), and asking me why i don't talk to her. and i've purposefully been staying away from her as much as i can and stuff, so she's obviously noticed and it's obviously getting to her. it's not like i'm not civil or anything, i don't completely ignore her, just mostly ignore her. but anyway, she tells me i'm holding the scissors wrong (because i have curved edged ones that make it so much easier) and then i'm like "no, i think i know i'm doing it right" and she keeps saying for me to show her, like she doesn't believe i know how to cut my own nails. even though i've been doing them myself since i was a fucking kid cos she never cared to. and then she was like, "no, you're wrong, you'll damage your nails" at me several times. it just so happened that she walked in on me cutting my fucking nails, like the last thousand times i've done it before, she's never been there to see it, never been there to say it's wrong, and i still haven't fucked up or damaged my nails.
i know all this stuff is stupid and arbitrary but it's important that i write it down and send it to someone so i know i'm not going crazy. i know it's her that's being fucked up and not me.
so she became more aggressive, she could see i was in the middle of something, but instead of leaving me to it, she wanted me to get up and go food shopping with her that very moment (which is fair enough, because i can control what i want to eat instead of her buying tons of crap and manipulating and guilt tripping me into eating it just because she got it for me). i said i'd need ten minutes to sort myself out, and she started screaming at me. i said that i'd get my own food, 'cause i'm going out later (because i prefer buying my own anyway, even if i can only afford a few things.) then she started demanding that i tell her who i was going out with and she needs to know and all kinds of fucked up shit. when i just ignored her, she stormed off out. finally.
earlier in the week, she caught me phoning some counselling places to see if there's any free ones about, cos going through the dr's, the waiting list is at least six months (and yeah, if i'd done it six months ago i'd be fine, but i didn't expect to still be here, i expected i'd have completely cut them out and moved on already.) it's been extremely hard for me lately (SAD, flashbacks, the holidays, etc) so i thought i'd give it a shot any case, because even though i have no real need for a counsellor, venting to someone about this shit might be good. also, i've never had anyone seriously help me, ever, really. i've had to figure all of this out on my own. even when i was doing my dissertation, they say to not choose any topic that's personal to you, or anything that's close to you. so i randomly picked a topic (i wish i'd done something to do with depression but that's been way overdone, and you had to justify why you were researching it which i couldn't) and i never thought it would be as triggering as it was for me. anyway, so she kept demanding to know what i need counselling for. and today she was like "i need to know what you need it for, so i know where i stand" what the fuck does it have to do with her?!! i wish i could afford to pay for it, but the money i got for the last temp job, i pretty much blew most of it on a 4 day break to Budapest at the beginning of the year. which was totally worth it, even if it was -6 degrees half the time. it's a beautiful city, and getting away always helps me, and i've felt a tiny bit better for it.
i'm really, extremely sorry for everything. like, i don't even remember how bad it was this time, over the past few months. i'm sorry if i said anything shit to you, i don't even remember which is more than scary. i'm sorry to bother you, again. i don't want to bother anyone, i don't even want to exist. i thought getting out of the country would help, and it did a tiny bit, but my mood crashed as soon as i got back. and i don't know why, but everything is like a complete weird fog of sadness and distress until mid jan, and then everything's okay again. i don't know why it happens every single year like this but it does.
i was feeling really suicidal yesterday, i told chris. and all he can say is "aww, i'm sorry". and he wants me to go stay with him (he's in the south west again staying with his mum) but no one really understands so i know it'll only temporarily help. the only person who can even kind of understand is (he's helped so much, but he's only understood basic things, and as much as i've understood)..
my ex, who has been working near leeds lately, and he was in chester this weekend. he called me up, asked me to meet him, said it was a good opportunity, a chance to get a break (and he knows i need one), but it's too fucking complicated now.. he's rly into history and stuff (was at the chester amphitheatre yesterday), so that's why i keep fucking thinking about you. you're not so much unlike him. it's actually completely crazy to think about. like, it doesn't make sense. it's fucking annoying. i'm sorry i really like you, because it's not your shit to deal with (i shouldn't even exist to bother anyone) but i know you did genuinely care. i never expected anything let alone this kind of attachment though. i wish you'd tell me to fuck off if i'm too much to handle.